Derp de derp de derpity derp.
While perusing the reaction to UConn’s self-imposed APR sanctions, I came across a startling discovery. Pat Forde still exists. I used to read his Forde Yard Dash (punsies!) columns back when he was at ESPN. Those were the columns where he’d bold-face 40 random words (generally, but not always, nouns), talk about his experiences being the creepy old guy at campus bars and restaurants and throw in some swimsuit photos he’d found in the dusty corners of the internet. The swimsuiters were called “Dashettes”. I’m sure they were flattered to have received such an honor. Mind you, this was during the first golden age of internet porn. I was 14 at the time, but even I thought it was weird.
I figured Forde had gone the Mike Tyson route and faded into ‘bolivian. Turns out I was right. Assuming ‘bolivian is Yahoo! sports. No one reads Yahoo! sports. Well, I should re-phrase that. No one who knows anything about sports reads Yahoo! sports. My Mom reads Yahoo! sports.
So I was a little annoyed when Forde took a break from reviewing chicken wing establishments and objectifying women (didn’t we invent fraternities for this purpose?), to take aim at UConn’s self-imposed APR sanctions. Never one to let the facts get in the way of a good story, Forde omits nearly all of Susan Herbst’s reasons for requesting the waiver, while upholding the shining tenets of the APR system. It’s dreck of the lowest order. I hadn’t been this incensed by an article since Bill Simmon’s crony “Jack-O” penned “Why UConn Will NOT Win the National Championship”, so I figured I’d respond in kind: with a full on “Fire Joe Morgan” style send up.
Also, for the record Jack-O’s reasons UConn wouldn’t win the tournament (they’re too popular, Jim Calhoun is a big meaney, one time Khalid El-Amin smoked weed), failed to touch on the reason that UConn might not even make this years’ tournament (they might all forget how to shoot midseason).
As for Forde, I’m deliberately not linking to his article. Part of the reason for Forde’s insolence is that he knows it will incur plenty of page views from pissed off UConn fans. Instead I’m reprinting the entire article here without permission. If the RIAA, MPAA, or whatever lobbying group Yahoo! has in its pockets that controls black-pajama’d forces, wants to go all Kim Dotcom on my New York apartment, bring it the fuck on. I’ll be within 15 feet of the front door. (As I said, it’s a New York apartment, >15 feet from the front door is the apartment 2 away from mine.)
Again, Forde’s scribbling in italics because WordPress doesn’t support Crayon.
If there ever were a time I’d love to hear Jim Calhoun speak publicly, it’s today.
Let’s start things off by kicking a guy while he’s laid-up in bedrest. Classy opener. Do continue.
That won’t happen, of course. The coach is dealing with a spinal issue that has forced him to miss Connecticut’s past two games, so he’s off-radar and presumably recuperating and/or being treated. Hopefully, he gets well soon because we need to hear from him.
He’s “presumably” recuperating. Thanks for throwing that qualifier in there. He might be doing things that would not qualify as recuperating such as Grecco-Roman wrestling a Kodiak bear or playing Wii Tennis. Pat Forde’s going to go out on a limb and “presume” that he’s recuperating though.
We need to hear Jim “Not A Dime Back” Calhoun, of all stubborn souls, give voice to the remarkable groveling his university is doing on behalf of his basketball program to save it from a 2013 NCAA tournament ban. An Associated Press story Wednesday said UConn has petitioned the governing body of college athletics to change its rules and let the Huskies play in a tourney they’re currently ineligible for.
Isn’t groveling what the NCAA wants? Isn’t that the point of all their PR-aimed punishments? To shame the offending school and show that they have control over college sports? Isn’t that the deal? UConn admits past transgressions, shows that it’s changed its ways, and then proposes a compromise punishment by which the program accepts punitive measures, but the players (all of whom have earned perfect APR marks in their careers to date) are spared.
I would love to hear the eternally unapologetic Calhoun feign penitence for the academic underachievement of his program – underachievement profound enough that it has the Huskies falling short of NCAA Academic Progress Rate minimums in order to be eligible for March Madness.
At this point Forde (or one of his editors) declares in a photo caption:
“Despite being away on leave, Jim Calhoun is glaringly absent as his bosses beg the NCAA to let his program play in next year’s tournament.”
You see, Jim Calhoun is ducking this. He has faked this whole spinal stenosis thing—the intense back pain, the inability to be with his team during their most dire of circumstances, all a ruse!—because he knew the precise moment the AP would run with the story on his school’s petition to be eligible for the 2013 NCAA tournament. Calhoun has such intricate knowledge of the government that he knew exactly how long it would take Pat Eaton-Robb’s request to obtain the documents through the Freedom of Information act to be processed. Don’t sleep on Jimmy C. His spine is clairvoyant.
I would be fascinated to hear Calhoun, without reading a script through gritted teeth, toe the company line of concessions in exchange for the chance to play for the ’13 national title. Those concessions include reducing the number of regular-season games from 27 to 23; forfeiting a Big East postseason revenue share; no head-coach recruiting off-campus in the fall of 2012; extra time in study hall; and a Calhoun-led tour of inner-city schools to stress the importance of education.
Notable omission from Forde’s paragraph: Herbst detailing the new academic support system UConn has implemented which has produced tangible academic progress over the past two years. But why would anyone care about academic progress when applying for an APR waiver? Oh, right. “Waivers can be granted for a variety of reasons but generally include demonstrated academic improvement, active presidential involvement, meeting certain APR benchmarks and implementation of an APR improvement plan.”
So, I’d say it’s fairly pertinent that in her waiver request UConn’s actively involved president demonstrated academic improvement via the recently implemented APR improvement plan. Good omit Patty. Carry on.
Listening to Calhoun pleading for UConn’s postseason life would be like Bob Knight’s Indiana news conference in 2000, when he half-heartedly tried to apologize for choking Neil Reed.
Because, you know, failing to live up to an arbitrary NCAA standard—for which the school is receiving a second punishment because the rule was changed after the first went into effect—is the equivalent of choking a kid…
The alternative was a firing, so he tried his best, but let’s just say he didn’t score too high on the contrition meter. It was just enough to earn another chance, but sure enough, Knight grabbed a student a few months later and summarily was fired.
So…in this metaphor the students’ academic records (intelligence quotient?) play the role of Neil Reed? So if Calhoun weren’t currently injured, he’d be at practice choking his players stupid? Is this the connection Forde’s trying to make here?
But even if Calhoun himself never begs out loud, there is an easy answer from the NCAA to this request for an APR waiver from UConn.
No.
The rules are the rules. Abide by them. Take the penalty.
Forde’s right. Speaking strictly in the present tense, these are the rules. However, during the season which has torpedoed UConn’s 4-year rolling APR score, these were not the rules. Instead the rules were: if you fail to attain a 900 4-year rolling APR, you get docked scholarships. Those were the rules. UConn took the penalty. They were docked the scholarships. Calhoun abides.
Athletic powerhouses accustomed to getting their way try this kind of thing from time to time when they’re facing sanctions – offer to cut off a pinkie toe yourself in hopes that the NCAA will spare the whole foot.
Oh I can get you a pinkie toe, Pat Forde. I can get you a toe by 3 pm today… with nail polish. There are ways, you don’t want to know about ‘em, believe me. You know what else Forde? I got buddies who died face-down in the muck so you could take this smugly condescending tone with your internet readership. FORGET ABOUT THE FUCKING TOE!
Ohio State just tried it in football – and still lost the foot. Now UConn is trying it in basketball.
How about, instead of continuing your role as the NCAA’s lap-dog, you stick up for the very kids the NCAA is supposed to protect? The fucking amateurs! The kids with pristine academic records who are currently barred from participating the 2013 NCAA tournament because of a rule passed after they enrolled in school. How’s that for fair? WHO’S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE?! ….YOU HUMAN PARAQUAT!
It takes an impressive amount of gall for the Huskies to make this pitch.
Does it now? Does it really? Does it really take “an impressive amount of gall” for a school to stick up for its innocent student athletes and try to prevent them from being collateral damage and serving time for an ex-post facto violation of a rule that was put in place after all of them committed to the school in the first place? Does it take an “impressive amount of gall” for them to apply for a waiver based on the fact that they’ve codified plans for academic improvement and already seen encouraging results?
We remember that UConn was on NCAA probation and Calhoun already had been suspended for three Big East games in 2012 when he cut down the Final Four nets last April. That left a bad-enough taste in America’s mouth. Bargaining for another chance at glory while failing to adhere to a different NCAA policy is fairly brazen.
We do remember that. We remember when Calhoun and 12 players, none of whom were remotely implicated in the scandal for which Calhoun was to serve a suspension, hoisted the trophy in Houston. We also remember that when Calhoun cut down the NCAA nets last April they were eligible for the 2013 NCAA tournament—regardless of their (then yet to be released) APR score from 2009-’10. That rule wasn’t in fucking books yet. Surely Pat Forde will mention that in the next paragraph…
UConn president Susan Herbst put her best spin on this entreaty to the NCAA on Wednesday, calling the school’s request for preferential treatment “a very compelling case” and saying UConn will be “deeply disappointed” if it doesn’t get its way.
Her words were not that UConn would be deeply disappointed if UConn “doesn’t get its way”. That’s Pat Forde editorializing to make UConn sound like a schoolyard bully. Instead Herbst laid out the (rather compelling) argument that UConn missing the 2013 tournament, “would be unfair to innocent young people…Regulatory bodies should not change rules retroactively.” Surely Forde has to concede at least that point.
Herbst harped on the fact that the APR penalizes current players for the misdeeds of past players. Well, welcome to NCAA justice. It’s not ideal, but it’s the way of the college athletics world.
Not ideal? Do you know how many national constitutions’ ban the creation of ex-post facto laws? Fucking Iran ban’s the creation of ex-post facto laws. Women aren’t even allowed to testify in court, yet even Iran won’t allow its citizens to be punished for laws passed retroactively. So, yeah, I’d go ahead and say Forde’s “NCAA justice” is just a smidge less than ideal.
USC, for one, doesn’t want to hear your whining.
Here’s a suggested way for Herbst to handle it if the letter of rejection comes back from Indianapolis: Instead of railing at the NCAA, apologize to those current players. Better yet, have Calhoun apologize to them. They were let down by their school and their program, which for years didn’t care enough to even meet the hardly rigorous APR minimum standards. (U.S. Secretary of Education Arne Duncan last March: “The bar for postseason play is still too low.”)
Again, Duncan says this last March. This was nearly a full academic year after UConn’s 2009-’10 score was earned. The current players, which Forde says were “let down by their school and their program”, are, in fact, being penalized for actions which their school and program committed years prior to their decisions to join the program, which then became transgressions months after they enrolled at the school. NOWHERE IN THIS ARTICLE DOES FORDE MENTION THAT.
It’s not the fault of the governing body, which enacts and enforces rules passed by its membership. It’s the fault of an institution of higher education for failing to educate its most high-profile students. Own it.
UConn’s poor academic score are certainly their own fault. I think you’ll see, if you read the self-imposed sanctions, that they do “own it.” However, here are some things that are the fault of the governing body. Let’s set aside the fact that UConn’s rising sophomores and incoming freshman are effectively black-balled from the 2013 NCAA tournament unless the waiver is approved (they’d still miss the 2013 tourney if they transferred), because I’ve made that point.
Let’s concentrate on the other glaring omission from Forde’s handiwork: the NCAA’s bizarre adherence to using old data. If the NCAA chose to use the most recent data to determine 2013 tournament eligibility those same UConn student-athletes would be eligible based on their own academic merits. Instead the NCAA adheres to a 1-year data lag (again, no mention of this by Forde), which ensures that in any APR case, at least 2-classes of student athletes are held accountable for sub-par academic work they weren’t even assigned.
This is particularly important because the most obvious time for a student athlete to fall short in the APR is when they are about to leave school whether it be to pursue a professional basketball career (in the NBA, NBADL or overseas), transfer or graduate. After all, current students must meet individual academic requirements to play, so that incentive is already there. By adhering to the 1-year data lag, the NCAA ensures that the APR almost always punishes student athletes for the transgressions of those who have come before them, and that those who fall short academically almost always punish entire classes of students they’ve not yet interacted with. That is the fault of the governing body.
I wonder whether Herbst was pained when other schools were falling short of the APR number. Did she grieve for the athletes at Southwestern Athletic Conference schools Jackson State and Southern when they were banned from competing for the 2011 SWAC football championship?
You mean the same Jackson State who applied for and received an APR waiver based on their academic progress? Is that the horribly oppressed small-school you’re referring to? Also, who’s to say Herbst didn’t? Don’t you mean she presumably didn’t? Or did “presumably” find its way into the paragraph about Calhoun “presumably” recuperating because you accidentally mouse-dragged it there, while pleasuring yourself to pictures of your beloved Dashettes? And what the fuck does this have to do with anything? I know Forde has crusaded on the topic before, but…what? Is UConn responsible for submitted waivers to programs that aren’t there own? I understand Forde’s point that the APR unfairly targets smaller institutions, but doesn’t his “take one of the big boys down” campaign here fly in the face of that? Wouldn’t punishing UConn only give more weight to a system Forde readily admits is unfair?
Perhaps she was, but I missed the comments. More likely, the APR is an injustice only when its UConn’s ox being gored.
Bottom line: The biggest problem in college athletics is not football and basketball programs buying players or making deals with agents or treating athletes to under-the-table perks while in school. Those are major problems that need constant monitoring, but that’s not the worst thing.
The worst thing is academic malfeasance. When athletes learn nothing away from the court, it corrupts the academic mission of the schools – the very reason for their existence.
The above paragraph is the most dangerous of all, and here’s why. Forde has successfully framed this situation as a case solely of UConn feeling it is above the law when it comes to academic performance. He’s made no mention of the fact that the rule changed, or even that UConn has already been punished for the same shortcomings its trying to avoid. Instead it’s portrayed as a dichotomous issue: either you care about the academics of student athletes (UConn should be punished), or you don’t (UConn can doesn’t get punished because its above the law).
Moreover, Forde’s spoon feeding this gross over-simplification to people with no familiarity with the case at all. Yet they make up the court of public opinion that the NCAA holds itself accountable to.
Making a mockery of education while in pursuit of athletic glory should have consequences. And now it does, in the form of the APR and its penalties for underachievers.
Penalties like the one UConn is already serving: a loss of scholarships. Penalties like the ones UConn proposed (a loss of tournament revenue, limited future recruiting contact, etc.) Penalties which will hold the program accountable without the collateral damage of affecting innocent student athletes.
There should be no bargaining to avoid those penalties, no switching the rules when the results aren’t in your favor.
“No switching the rules” seems like a particularly odd admonishment for a concluding paragraph to an article arguing that a school should serve a punishment for a rule that was adopted A YEAR AND A HALF AFTER THE TRANSGRESSIONS IN QUESTION WERE COMMITTED! The “results” Forde is referring to occurred in the 2009-’10 academic year, the eligibility “rules” Forde is accusing UConn of trying to change were adopted on October 27,2011.
Most of us learn that as children; hopefully UConn will learn it now.
As children, most of us learn that if there’s a sketchy looking older dude at our school eating the chicken wings and passing around pictures of ladies in their underwear, we call the police. As adults we apparently give the skeezball a job at Yahoo! news, so he can inform the likes of my mother on the happenings of college sports.
